My Biggest Bollywood Pet Peeve

In an earlier life, before I was a Bollywood fan and Occasional Blogger of Things of Dubious Importance, I was a cellist.  Not, you know, a concert cellist or anything, but a pretty decent cellist nonetheless.  I knew how to do all the important things, like how to play open string notes on the strings below them because I was too lazy to tune my instrument properly, and how to make a really whiny noise by turning my bow upside down (or playing on the wrong side of the bridge). 

Most importantly, I knew how to hold my damn instrument in a way that made people think I wasn't touching a cello for the first time.

Your move, Kat:

I don't expect film stars to be the reincarnation of Pablo Casals or anything, but it takes maybe thirty seconds to look up a picture of Yo-Yo Ma and check out what he's doing with his right hand.  And his left one, for that matter.  Look at her!  She's not even playing a real note!  She's got her fingers in a squished up version of first position on the A and the D string, but her bow is on the C string!  Cheeee!

This has got to be my biggest pet peeve in the history of the world right here: actors who play musicians who can't be bothered to try and look authentic.  We all know Katrina Kaif isn't playing the cello but would it kill her to try and look the part? 

Lest anyone think I'm picking on Katrina, let's check out some other offenders.  Like Rishi "I'm just gonna put some fingers on some strings and hope it looks good" Kapoor.

Or this.  WHAT IS THIS I CAN'T EVEN OMG.  Are you going to play that or eat it?  Because based on what you're doing here I'm leaning towards the eating.

Here's Akshay, demonstrating that it may take two Bollywood stars to film a romantic scene but only one to fuck up the violin.

Sigh.  The less said about this the better.  If only I could find a job teaching the violin where there was no requirement that I actually be able to play the violin.

Long story short: Katrina, if you ever decide to film Yuvraaj 2 (and I think we can all safely say we hope that never happens), here's some study material for you.

Memorize this.  For my sanity.

Who's the Best?

I'm the best!

(If I have to have this song stuck in my head all day then so do you.)

Actually I'm not sure which version is worse/awesomer (shut up, that's a word)--Shah Rukh's or Juhi's. Let's compare:

Jelena Karleusa, or "The Reverse Pritam"

Every once in a while I like to take the opportunity to take a little jab at Pritam.  Bless his crazy beard, I love him, but he's got a pretty well-known track record when it comes to writing "totally original, I swear!" music that sounds, note for note, like stuff previously recorded by other groups.  He notably stole half of the Jab We Met soundtrack from an Indonesian rock band, thinking that audiences in India would never make the connection.

Well.  Imagine my surprise when I discovered (and by discovered I mean "joined what are surely many many other people in learning") that Pritam has a bit of competition in the "composer of dubious originality" award.

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Jelena Karleusa (seen here in the most modest picture of her that exists on the internet).  Karleusa is a Serbian pop star who has been nicknamed "the Queen of Lust."  I can't tell you a lot about her music because that would require me to watch more of her videos than the one I'm about to show you, and frankly I don't think I've done anything in my life to deserve having to go through that torture.  Suffice it to say that she dabbles in the pop/rock arena and seems to exist mostly as a silicon-stuffed sex symbol.

In 2010 she had a big hit with a little song called "Insomnia."  The video was one of the most viewed of the year on Youtube, and featured a strange little Alan Cumming lookalike.  Here, take a listen:

Sound familiar?  Wondering where you've heard that song before?  Ah yes...you heard it here:

That's "Dance Pe Chance" from the hit film "Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi."  But this time, rather than an Indian music director ripping off an international musician, an international musician ripped off an Indian music director.  Namely the team of Salim-Sulaiman.  "Dance Pe Chance" came out first, and is the original.  When I first noticed this, the only information I could find online were some accusations posted under Youtube videos and on somewhat obscure Serbian pop forums.  As Karleuse's song grew in popularity this line appeared in her Wikipedia entry:

"Jelena's last song, 'Insomnia', featuring Mirza Hamzić, was downloadeded 1.5 million times from her website, just a day after its official premiere on the final night of the famous reality show Big Brother. 'Insomnia' also took the third place on the world list of most viewed videos on youtube, with over 4.000.000 views for 2 weeks. The song is a makeover of the Bollywood mega hit sang by Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi (RNBDJ) - Dance Pe Chance. Jelena's PR confirmed that the copyrights were bought from the original author, and that plagiarism accusations are false."

This is the only "official" acknowledgement of the similarity between the songs. I've yet to find a website or forum which didn't quote that sourceless assertion as proof that Karleusa didn't plagiarize "Dance Pe Chance." The scant liner notes of the album which features "Insomnia" give no credit to Salim-Sulaiman.

I'm going to go ahead and call this one what it is: outright plagiarism.

At least it wasn't Pritam again.

Song of the Day--Chale Jaise Hawaien (Main Hoon Na)

This is one of my all-time favorite songs, and the first Bollywood film I ever purchased!  I had a roommate who lent me a copy of Devdas, and after seeing it I knew I needed more.  So I went over to the Eros International website and sought out more Shah Rukh Khan.  Main Hoon Na was the first one that came, and I loved it.  A roommate and I rewound "Chale Jaise Hawaien" over and over, for two reasons:  first, it's a damn catchy song;  second, Zayed Khan is a fine looking boy.  I still get a case of the weak knees when he takes his jacket off halfway through the song.  Swoon.   Too bad he's not much of an actor, but as a pretty face--oh yes please.

The film was choreographer Farah Khan's directorial debut, and I really love her style.  The end of the film features a Grease-like sendoff, which I find adorable.  The film itself is a bit fluff, with some exagerated action sequences and a fair amount of Shah Rukh's trademark "if I squeeze my face in on itself really hard, it might look like I'm actually crying," but overall it's incredibly entertaining.  Amrita Rao is adorable, Zayed is man-candy, Shah Rukh gets a an action plotline and a romantic one (with the lovely Sushmita Sen) and my wonderful Boman Irani plays a hilarious schoolmaster.

Something fun to look out for:  this entire sequence was shot as one continuous take, and Farah Khan said that anytime someone stopped, the entire shot had to be canned and started over again (which apparently led to a backup dancer fainting in the heat!).  Watch Zayed, especially in the choreography that leads up to his first chorus:  he's clearly making mistakes, but you know he's all "No. You're not stopping.  You're DOING this."  And he does.

Song of the Day--Marjaani (Billu Barber)

Marjani

Film: Billu Barber
Starring: Shah Rukh Khan, Irrfan Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Deepika Padukone, Lara Dutta, Om Puri
Music: Pritam

The first time I heard this song it was being performed at one of the zillion awards functions by Bipasha Basu, and it took me ages to track it down.  But track it down I did, and it was worth it.  Marjaani is one of the handful of item numbers that make up the bulk of the "Billu" (or "Billu Barber") soundtrack, and is by far my favorite number in the film.  It has a sound very similar to some of the Persian pop music I listen to, and that feel is backed up by the beautiful set and costumes.  There are two things about this video that I absolutely love.  The first is how much fun Shah Rukh and Kareena seem to be having.  Look at their faces!  Acting or no, they both look like they're having a great time together.  The second is Irrfan--though he only features in the video for a few seconds here and there, those few seconds pack a punch.  The sweet, earnest look on his face as he's vying for a better look at the action towards the end of the song totally makes this clip for me.  He's excellent.  So, so excellent.

India Is Where They Make The Cheese...

I was going about my normal Friday night routine, i.e. staying home like a loser and Google-stalking Priyanka Chopra like it's my job (and let's be honest, it probably is someone's job somewhere, especially with all the recent gossip about her and Gerard Butler) and I came across a little news blurb about her support of the Indian field hockey team.  "Phir dil do hockey ko!" says Priyanka, and why not?  India's hosting the World Cup, so absolutely, let's support the home team.

"Phir dil do hockey ko (give your heart to hockey again)" is more than just Priyanka's personal cheer.  It's the catchphrase of a set of ads by Hero Honda (yes, that Honda) designed to a) support the Indian field hockey team and b) to ensure an entire generation of young Indians come as close as possible to killing themselves on dangerous (but elegant!) motorcycles.  Two birds, as they say.  Anyways bare with me, there's a point here somewhere.

I consider myself an average to above-average sports fan, and I'm pretty sure if this phenomenon were going on in the States I would have noticed.  In India, it seems, there's a song for everything.  Got a big sporting event?  Write a song, toss in some Bollywood stars, tug on some heartstrings, and voila!  Two years ago we had "Aaya India" in celebration of India's cricket team, and now we have the "Dakh Dakh Hero Honda" commercials for the hockey team.  (There's a "Dakh Dakh Hero Honda" music video as well, though it seems to feature the cricket team, so who knows what's going on there.)

Maybe someone more familiar with "Bolly-Patriotism" can fill me in--is this a common occurance in India?  Do all major sporting events come with a music video in support of the home team?  I'm not sure that I've really seen this anywhere else (outside of some gag-worthy Olympic numbers).  "Aaya India" is a damn catchy song, but that not withstanding this all seems pretty cheesy.


Aaya India*:


*Eternal thanks to anyone who can identify the guy at 1:35.  He's beautiful and I want him.  That is all.

Dakh Dakh Hero Honda:



Phir dil do hockey ko: